A Letter From the Birds & Bees to Mr. Crandall of Mt. Pleasant Street (We See Your World Differently & Ask For Your Resignation)

Dear Mr. Crandall (Dr. Crandall, if you prefer),

We write because we've witnessed some gloating on your part as the contractors finalize their work on your front porch and you've moved to the outside where you are re-landscaping and thinking strategically about your external aesthetics. We also recognize Ranger Kyle from the Longfellow National Historic Site prompted NWP to write from the ground down, and not the ground up. Yet, as winged creatures who inhabit your home from the 2nd floor, we wanted to address the changes you've made on your home over the last few months to simply note, "You're an #@$#@$ fool if you think we're going anywhere."

We saw you outside yesterday, after spending Tuesday getting things prepped for the planting. Yes, you had to pull out your charge card at Lowe's to purchase the shrubs and trees you wanted (What idiot pays $$$ for what is natural and free in the woods?) and, sure, we feel for your checkbook recognizing the ridiculous prices you humans go to in order to beautify your yards. We especially took note with how filthy you became as you dug holes for the greenery after a night of rain. 

Congratulations. It's looking rather nice, but our interests are bit higher than your planting.

We appreciate the fact that the new reading/writing/thinking space (aka 'front porch')  has a ceiling fan now and is pretty much completed, but we wanted to leave you a memo to share this does not concerns us. We nest much higher, and your wooden rafters and roofing gaps remain perfect for our homes. Although you've tried to block some of us (the sparrows) and paid to rid others (the carpenter bees), your new addition will do little to detract us from living as brethren on Mt. Pleasant. In fact, we wish to acknowledge that we saw you watch us (the sparrows) as we watched you (you're an ugly Son of a Butch) with our heads cocked - yes, the eyes of the sparrow were upon you. Who did you think you were when you were  trying to plug up all our apartments? We're going nowhere.

As for the other buzz about town, Fox Pest Control may have worked last year, but this year they came back with Fun Dip to spray in your rafters. It was useless. Every carpenter bee in town got a kick out of your foolishness - it's why they came (we came) back in full force this past summer (and even came to play with you yesterday as you were doing the outdoor project). 

We write this letter to simply say, "You belong to us" You can put covering over the rafters and even scare us with fake eagles and wasps's nests, but we're onto your shenanigans, and unlikely to adhere to any of them.

Rather, plan on us moving back to Mt. Pleasant, spring 2021. Most humans will be sick with Covid-19, anyway, and the more you disappear, the better for the rest of us. 

The way we see it, your silly little beaver den is nothing but an anthropocentric, human-centered, whimsical farce to make a superficial, temporary claim on a piece of land. Ceiling fans, Zen rocks, fancy-smancy pillows, and state-of-the-art windows. It's all horse shit. 

Take our bird poop and our bee spit (the woodpecker holes in the wood frame) AND GET OVER YOURSELF. 

Yes, your entitled to a day or two of self-glory and satisfaction, but it should be short-lived. We're here and we're coming back for more.

Sincerely, 

The Birds & the Bees.

PS: See you soon. No need for an evil mwah ha ha. You have enough woodpeckers to provide the laughter.

PSS: The better letters will arrive from our colleagues ...the worms, slugs, centipedes, spiders, and moles who reside underground and who will one day be eating your face. 

Have a great day!