When You Can't Draw a Wild Bird in a City, You Tell the Story of the Birthday Bird (for Casey) Instead

Once upon a time, a flock of sparrows settled into a castle of a very eccentric King. He lived by himself on Mt. Pleasant, although he did have his sons locked away into a different wing of their home. "They stink and study numbers, too much," he told the Stratfordian Press. "Besides, I prefer words, hope, and possibilities. Let me be abducted by aliens, kidnapped by gnomes, or hijacked by elves any day of the week, but don't make me do math. My wing of the house shall be books and poems."

"And sparrows," interrupted Spence. He was one of the birds and was named after the eccentric King's grandfather. 

"I'll get to you, Spence. Jeepers," extended the King to the Press. "Let me first begin with a story about me."

The King grew up with two sisters, the youngest of which was named K'dot C. Dot, a clumsy little sister with a knack for getting physical ailments, and an older sister named Ballz, who had a knack for drinking all sorts of wine (although she'd claim otherwise). Both K'dot C dot, and this King, have memories of her singing "I feel pretty, oh so pretty," when she'd come home form the bars fantasizing about Scott Baio and John Stamos. 

Th birthday-sparrow story has nothing to do with Ballz; rather this is a tale about KC, the K'dot C Dot, who was born on October 24th, and at age 47, had 47 years of ailments...including bruxism. Fiber myalgia. A flare of Psoriasis. Congenital Hip. Seizures (but no Grand Mal like Destiny, Penn Can or Great Northern - where she once lost a job a Kaufman's). This is long before she married a pirate, Captain Beard-Be-Long, and produced two offspring named Ye-Ol Sean-Man and JC the Tyrant (who also had a dog named Daisy Dukes, which is the name of the short-shorts Captain Beard-Be-Long wears on romantic nights)(alas, this is a a secret to be kept from Thor the Mighty, the Viking that sister Ballz married and there's to be no word of this to their children, Notorious Nik- we'll let her fame go unnamed - and Dinosaur D, the younger brother, who fires up blue-darters daily).

"Daisy Dukes?" questioned the Spence.Sparrow. "Tighty Whiteys, more like it."

"Spence, this is my story," the King blurted.

So, back to the bird. The Sparrows, that is. Spence. (Oh, the eccentric King of Mt. Pleasant might need some more bourbon to finish this story).

"You need some of that Grannie Annie good stuff," interrupted Spence again.

The King continued, reminding his listeners this is not a story about Ballz, because everything is always about Mike.

"You mean Thor the Mighty," Spence corrected.

Okay, Thor the Mighty. It's not about him. Today, it's about K'Dot C'  Dot and the story of the Birthday Socks (and how Spence delivered them). 

Spence was a pain in the ass, but he meant well. And he could knit like no other sparrow on the planet. Not only did he and his flock overtake the King's castle on Mt. Pleasant with their Budweiser, Ham's, and Camel unfiltered cigarettes, they also arrived with an amazingly annoying ability to sing songs from Free to Be You and Me, Grease (both I +II), and that musical about the orphaned redhead child. 

Spence began to sing, "It's a hard-knock life for us. It's a hard-knock life for us."

"Spence," the King said. "Shut it. Save it for the Birthday song."

Anyway, the sparrows moved in. The King lost sleep because of all their singing. The boys on the other end of the castle crunched numbers, and the twins who lived in another region, simply played Bob Marley with Cheech and Chong singing, "Every lil' thing is going to be alright."

Ah, but to the King of Mt. Pleasant, nothing was alright. Everything was wrong. 

The King was given a prompt from the National Writing Project's Write Out week on the same day his little sister turned 47. And for crying out loud, this prompt came from Ranger Casey, of the Delaware Water Gap National Recreation Area (wherein the King pauses, so that K'Dot C Dot can stop for a second to keep up  with the story. Yes, R a n g e r  C a s e y, o f  t h e  D e l a w a r e  W a t e r  G a P, etc.). 

"K'Dot C' Dot is likely to get confused that the ranger's name is the same as hers, King," explained Spence. "It will probably confuse her."

When the King, and older sister Ballz (who loved to sing about boys she loved after she drank wine) and the little sister K'Dot C' dot were were young, they used to visit the beautiful land of Vera, where all the laborers knitted, quilted, and sewed. When all three were in their early 20s, and bohemian hippie-dom was somewhat in vogue (the King even had Birkenstocks), K'Dot C' Dot fell in love with baggy woolen sweaters and warm, colorful socks. In fact, she'd do anything for them (in the same way Ballz would do anything for another bottle of wine, which she hopes Notorious Nic will bring her).

"No do," chimed Spence. "Notorious Nic's on a budget. Unless we Venmo her, there will be no wine for Ballz."

"Right," said the King. "Now for you. The bird."

The King couldn't draw, so he chose words instead, and since it was his lil' sister's birthday, and she loved socks, he knew improvisation might save the day.

The sparrows loved his house (as did the Carpenter Bees, including Kenneth, but that's another story), and Spence loved doing errands for the King.

King Crandall asked him, "Spence. Spence. What do I have to do in order for you and the others to stop building nests in my house? I can't take the singing anymore. This is a great City, but your morning songs are keeping me from reading all my great books. I can't govern. I'd love for y'all to get the flock out of here!"

Spence the sparrow (remember this is fiction and wishful thinking) responded, "Oh, my brothers, sisters, and I would love nothing more than to put our beaks into action for a good cause. If only we were provided yarn; instead of nests, we could knit incredible foot-stockings for the kingdom."

Done. Kings have power. 

The King contacted Bezos, the economical Titan who had a thing for Amazon women, and found an ol' wind mill to buy. He gave the wind mill to the sparrows who turned it into a sock-making factory. The King found a way to get sparrows from building nests in his house, and his little sister got a few pairs of knitted socks delivered on time for her Birthday. 

"Is this where I can sing?" asked Spence. 

(No one really knows how to sing HAPPY BIRTHDAY in sparrow, except Ye-Ol Sean Man, K'Dot C' Dot's son, who is sworn to secrecy, even though he's allowed to tell JC the Tyrant, who can also share it with Captain Beard-Be-Long. Whether or not they disclose the sparrow version of Happy Birthday to K'Dot C' Dot...well, that's up to them).

And that is how the King found a way to draw a wild bird in an urban setting, without putting a single pencil to his sketchbook. Also, it turns out that the mathematical son on the other end of the castle of Mt. Pleasant, was really, really, really good with a sling shot. He had a stone, and well, two birds could be shot with one he flung. 

(Enter the people of Crandall-dom, Barnwell-ville, and Isgar-ford to sing the human birthday song).

Happy Birthday to you!

Happy Birthday to you!

Happy Birthday, Dear KC,

Happy Birthday to you!

The End  

PS: And the socks lived happily ever after. The birds didn't fair as well, as it turned out that Thor-the-Mighty didn't like little peckers , and put a lightening bolt through their sock factory). 

PS: It's all good, though. The sparrows regrouped. They built a winery for Ballz (she kept them in business) and they found that nesting in Captain-Beard-Be-Long's beard (as well has his brother's, John's Be-Just-As-Long) was a much better gig. There, they helped to build a motorcycle empire and everyone lived happily ever after.